Pink Peppercorn Macaroons

Guess where am I going this time? Yes , duh , HongKong for dance. AND HELL YEAH!! I GOT AN AWESOME CAMERA PHONE definitely tons of pictures gonna be taken and my 1 gigantic pimple has dissappeared WOOTS! XD

Though I'm not that excited , all i want to do is dance there

I'm sure everyone gets those. But lately I've been getting them really often and its affecting me. I thought I had let go of everything and was ready to move on and look towards something cooler, guess i was entirely wrong about myself.

These flashbakcs gets strongers as day goess by, it makes me blank out and then later I'll realise I'm staring at something unusual or I'll be askign "what just happened?"

Why is it that some people think that if anybody had alot of exes means that he/she is a slut or a playboy? Why? Why do you think like that? Have you ever thought of the situation that they had been through?

Okay , maybe you guys thinks that "oh but he/she dumped the exes so he/she is really mean and awful" But the situation isn't that simple. As a third person viewing it , your seeing it based on what you've read books/watch in movies relating it. Maybe some might be like that but not all are.

Have you guys ever thought that , this person isn't one who sits and wait for love but rather is going out there on one's own finding and searching high and low for that special someone.

Certain people think that its a bad record to have exes. I don't.

In my opinion , I think they had been searching and still isn't able to find the special one.

Everyone has their different points of view. Well , this is my point of view. I hate to talk about love but what do you know ?! Here I am talking about it . Ironic huh

Even now , I know I can't re-do what i did. Man. I suck man. Like literally. I wished I had used my brain or even analysed the situation before even executing it. Fuck man. I'm thinking about it because I think I sort of understand what and how that person went through. Like I'm such an idiot. I didn't ask I just did it. I knew nothing about anything. I just let it flow, I didnt control the situation and let it flow pass me I didn't even think, even if i had apologised nothing can change what I did. Man.

Want to know why , why I did it. I'm afraid of getting Schzophrenia. I'm so afraid of that mental disorder. I can't understand myself , how was I able to understand the situation. I felt like I thought i was doing the right thing or was it out of jealousy I was unable to do anything.

Now , it wouldn't be the same I know. I hate the past. Really , I do. It keeps haunting me non-stop.

Recently I've got dreams about everything.

After a year i just realise what I did wrong. no , what I had not done. I could have been more sensitive towards people feelings . I was fucking scared of losing the people around me that I just pushed them away. I can't help but blame myself for not asking about their wants or even think about the consequences or the time spent together man. Fuck Man.

I'm not only getting dreams about it but I got a taste of my own medicine.

Bottomline - i know nothing about myself how was i able to love anyone to begin with.But I know one thing for sure was that I could make anyone happy if you just got to know me more and stop judging about all the crazy I've done and the people I hang out with.

I hope your not reading this , because of all people I do not know what to say to you anymore. I can't face you cause you'll just judge me I just know it. you won't think of me of who you had thought before. I'm someone I have no idea at all.  

Do you know yourself? As in seriously speaking , do you know alot about yourself? Do you know what makes you tick or what makes you happy and all?

To be honest , I do not know myself that well and I don't like it when people judge me but I don't want to change my personality because of what they say you know . I never knew why i did those things nor why did i react that way to certain situations. Have you ever felt that way?

Or like you have this particular dream or goal , oyu just want it so badly BUT you've got clue how to start, how to even begin more like how to execute your plan and all. i know its impossible to get a smooth life but sometimes you just wish for it, for you life to flow smoothly like in those movies where they've got ups and downs but in the end they get what they want. But I dont want a happy ending , i want a happy and hardworking mindset.

And love , god , that word. I won't force it on him anymore. The guy I like i mean. I guess we weren't meant to be. But I keep getting this tendency that if i push it a little further or even at least try to talk to him again maybe , just maybe it'll be possible. However I have to be prepared for the heartbreak and his egoism *rolls eyes* like he'll avoid you as much as possible because he thinks you like him and you want to go steady *rolls eyes* in his dreams man . Argh (>.<)  i know its very contradicting.

Then I've got another voicei n my head telling me ,"No Jo , you can't. He'll think that you still like him and your drooling all over him. his degrading you and your pride. Don't like him no more , think big and ambitious for your career and studies! He is probably just one of those passing people that will come and go in your life."

Its a battle between my pride and my feelings.

You know , sometimes I really wish to be really good in English. Speaking terms and writing terms. Then I'll be able to update this blog regularly or at least have a consistent flow of ideas rather than geting writer's block all the time.

Occasionally , i realise I've got this Singaporean accent where I'll speak in broken english, i cant think of an example but i do feel that way.

Now i Cant wait for the real Lady Gaga to make a costume inspired by any pokemon ^_^